How our last talk ended.

ugh.

so, I don't like how our last talk ended. You were like, meh, and I was like, well?

joke. 

A journal is very much a reflection of my inability to confront myself, or people, or my thoughts. I regard art often as a real and visceral tool for my own good and progress, but I am often afraid of the implications of our relationship. It exists for me to use it. My SLAVE!! But if I don't write, if I don't post? It just sits there, breathing gently, trying to insist to itself that life is going to turn around, and that better days are right around the... just right around the... oh, bother.

Why do I abuse such a willing servant? 

I have dependency issues... (smiles)

I know that I haven't said anything to it in a while - my blog isn't whining to my face or talking that widely behind my back, so I musn't worry, eh? But really, delaying the inevitable conversation isn't helping anything. Ready to take the turn towards introspection, my friend?

I also delay conversations with people I hold very dearly in my thoughts:

My little brother, whom I love, who can accomplish anything simply because he has so much joy. He is the golden child.

My older brother, who is in Iraq, who I am so deeply proud of and indebted to. He is my hero.

My parents, who love, and are love, who run together, who crack wise and who love me and make me feel a little normal once in a while. They are, together, a smirking buddha.

My friends from college, who I grew up with. I fear that they fear, and we all make a garden with our fear and we reap the fear and thrash it and grind it and pound it and we watch our fear loaves grow and brown and blacken and soil our appetite for love and life. btw, I am still to blame. I wish we could all join hands and say it together, looking each other in the eyes, "Justin mucked this one up!" 

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

We all love that town. The grass. the lake. the fires. the train depot that holden shared with me (where I insisted on taking countless others - that's still yours, brother). The hospital that we explored. Still have the ghosts after me, damned kid ghosts. I worked at a vietnamese restaurant with daniel, and then we all stopped going there when we decided the cooking practices were second rate (smiles). I just loved that SOUP! My apartments? I make a mess like nobody's business. seriously. Those boys put up with so much. I now can reveal that it was an elaborate social experiment! Haha... 

Matt, Taylor, Michael, Sam, Zach, Sky, Jeff, Holden, James, Tommy, and Gabe at random minutes. You are my brothers, and I will give all I have for you. Even if I try to attach it to a wall first. And then put beer in our dish washer. And make really, really bad music at really, really 3am.

Nostalgia... nóstos meaning returning home, álgos mean pain or ache. yep.

I mean, it's no real surprise, I guess, how badly I wanted them to be in my life. I grew up with brothers, and when I left my blood, I needed to make new blood. beep, bop, boop.

recap-> birth! baptism! peter pan and bloody toenails! I swam underwater! Recess! eww, GIRLS!! Piano lessons! No one understands! Tears, tears, tears! Art, art, art! Who are they- ooh, girls... BLAM! Scouts! Car! Grrrr! Man kill monster, man eat meat, man run over mountain! Learn to sew, to paint, to teach Citizenship in the Nation! College credits! Bicycles! Buckaroo Banzai and TINTIN! Pack satchel! Leave town! Two jobs! Change the World! Theatre, theatre, theatre! Car breaks down, on the way to rehearsal! Lame! Pizza! Karaoke! Smile in my eyes and my tongue and my feet! Love, love, love. 

I currently have a mustache.

Here I am, Old and young. Thanks Em, and Jessy.

And I love this movie. You won't believe how beautiful the food looks. Big Night. It's an important something for me. Meeeeeeee!! But seriously, if you love beauty, and you love life. watch this movie someday.

And for grins, if you are in dallas anytime between february to april, there is an okay chance that you could see me on the stage! again, the stage! 

Kiss or Make Up, Mesquite Community Theatre. Feb 12-27

SubUrbia, Upstart Productions. March 17-April 10

That's all for now?

Love you, mom. And everyone else, haha, big hug!!

Way to make yourself a crutch, 

ev'ry dollar's too much, 

ev'ryone you know

is out to lunch.

Ch-ch-ch-change your name.

Change ev'rything.

You'll have nothing to be,

you'll have nothing to scream,

but you'll be clean.

-Soldier