ring, ring, ring bells into the dark

So clearly.

He isn't joking.

A performance. By Justin Locklear.

Actors emerge into light as 'The Players'. 2, 4, 7, 13, 30, the number of players is immaterial. The Players stand in pigeon clumps, shivering and shifting, waiting. An ringing alarm sounds (not a siren), and the Players dance with glee in an organized choreographed chevron. Alarm goes silent and the Players quickly go neutral and search for an audience response.

Lights out.

Lights up on half the Players in the familiar pigeon clumps with similar shuffling about. Same alarm bell, same smiles and dancing. Alarm goes silent and one of the original Players crosses from off stage right, to down center and claps uproariously with hoots and hollers. Players stand in disbelief. Clapping, hooting, hollering all cease and the player exits. Players still in shock and amazement. Some are besotted, some offended, some feel downright lost.

Voice (from offstage): GO HOME!

Players begin to scatter in all directions like newly orphaned baby spiders. Lights out.

Lights up on two Players, both standing arms akimbo, at center stage. Both aware of the audience. Both waiting their cue. Alarm bell starts, the Players slowly plié and then, as they release and make a short leap in the air, the alarm bell goes silent. They shout, mid-leap.

Players (in unison, still in the air): MAGIC!

The Players receive applause from one set of hands backstage. The applause is slow and pitiful. The Players amicably shake hands and are very comfortable with the resulting applause.

Voice (offstage): GO HOME!

Players kiss each others' hands and leave in opposite directions. Another player sweeps. Another player writes the letter 'x' at various locations on the stage. Lights out.

Lights up on blank stage. Alarm sounds and Players rush to stand on the 'x' marks. Alarm goes silent. The Players are very pleased to be onstage again: nothing complex, smiles, nods, confidence.

Voice (offstage): GO HOME!

Players walk in place on their 'x' marks and mime various moods of returning home. It doesn't matter how they do it, but each should find the time to open and close an imaginary door. A player up-left speaks.

Player 1: Go home. Please. Exeunt all but Player 1

I am the fault of no one. I stand alone.

I am the seed of all one. I grow to stone.

I am the thespis eye-twinkle. I get lost for money.

Then I lose the money.

Camels, tubes, medicine, race cars, laundry,

retail, Andy Griffith, the war of... whatever.

I will exist within anything that hasn't a soul but needs one.

I lie the best when I lie to one person at a time.

But I will lie to all, all in love.

If I tell the truth, when I tell the truth,

I want it to be in secret, with a select few lovers,

with eyes bolted, mouths bolted, and our hands up in fear.

If I could end all of the lies with one lie,

I would lie from now until I die, lest I miss the one lie that saves me.

Exits. Re-enters with a sheet. Places sheet on the ground at center. Stands on sheet.

I am a holy mix of nothing.

Walks on 'water.'

I am a holy mix of nothing.

Places sheet on head like a Madonna, making a gesture of peace.

I am a holy peace of tainted flesh. Holy, I am magical, immortal, peaceful.

Removes sheet, folds sheet during the following.

Flesh, I am hot, sniffing, chattering, quick, and gone. Curtains. Wings. Rails. Fires. White coal. Bad luck and empty seats.

Got a dollar to spare? Here's a piece of joy!

'Love comforteth, as sunshine after rain/

Lust's effect is tempest after sun.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,/

Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done.'

Got a smile for me? Here's assurance!

Player assures audience of their safety in a tacit, concerned pose.

You're a good thief, kid. But I'm better. Lots better.

Kisses.

Two players cross the stage as a couple, holding hands or each other. Player 1 shakes head.

This is my banquet. My fireworks. How does it work? I dunno.

Not my job. I hear it happens, though. Them. That. I hear it's messy!

I have been stabbed 146 times. I have been orphaned 3 times.

I have killed 320 people or thereabouts. I can sail a chariot on fire through the air.

Give me a break, I need to go see a live birth or something. Something messy. Yup.

Lights out. Author is tired, and has to work soon, so he is going to bed. All my love.

How our last talk ended.

ugh.

so, I don't like how our last talk ended. You were like, meh, and I was like, well?

joke. 

A journal is very much a reflection of my inability to confront myself, or people, or my thoughts. I regard art often as a real and visceral tool for my own good and progress, but I am often afraid of the implications of our relationship. It exists for me to use it. My SLAVE!! But if I don't write, if I don't post? It just sits there, breathing gently, trying to insist to itself that life is going to turn around, and that better days are right around the... just right around the... oh, bother.

Why do I abuse such a willing servant? 

I have dependency issues... (smiles)

I know that I haven't said anything to it in a while - my blog isn't whining to my face or talking that widely behind my back, so I musn't worry, eh? But really, delaying the inevitable conversation isn't helping anything. Ready to take the turn towards introspection, my friend?

I also delay conversations with people I hold very dearly in my thoughts:

My little brother, whom I love, who can accomplish anything simply because he has so much joy. He is the golden child.

My older brother, who is in Iraq, who I am so deeply proud of and indebted to. He is my hero.

My parents, who love, and are love, who run together, who crack wise and who love me and make me feel a little normal once in a while. They are, together, a smirking buddha.

My friends from college, who I grew up with. I fear that they fear, and we all make a garden with our fear and we reap the fear and thrash it and grind it and pound it and we watch our fear loaves grow and brown and blacken and soil our appetite for love and life. btw, I am still to blame. I wish we could all join hands and say it together, looking each other in the eyes, "Justin mucked this one up!" 

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

We all love that town. The grass. the lake. the fires. the train depot that holden shared with me (where I insisted on taking countless others - that's still yours, brother). The hospital that we explored. Still have the ghosts after me, damned kid ghosts. I worked at a vietnamese restaurant with daniel, and then we all stopped going there when we decided the cooking practices were second rate (smiles). I just loved that SOUP! My apartments? I make a mess like nobody's business. seriously. Those boys put up with so much. I now can reveal that it was an elaborate social experiment! Haha... 

Matt, Taylor, Michael, Sam, Zach, Sky, Jeff, Holden, James, Tommy, and Gabe at random minutes. You are my brothers, and I will give all I have for you. Even if I try to attach it to a wall first. And then put beer in our dish washer. And make really, really bad music at really, really 3am.

Nostalgia... nóstos meaning returning home, álgos mean pain or ache. yep.

I mean, it's no real surprise, I guess, how badly I wanted them to be in my life. I grew up with brothers, and when I left my blood, I needed to make new blood. beep, bop, boop.

recap-> birth! baptism! peter pan and bloody toenails! I swam underwater! Recess! eww, GIRLS!! Piano lessons! No one understands! Tears, tears, tears! Art, art, art! Who are they- ooh, girls... BLAM! Scouts! Car! Grrrr! Man kill monster, man eat meat, man run over mountain! Learn to sew, to paint, to teach Citizenship in the Nation! College credits! Bicycles! Buckaroo Banzai and TINTIN! Pack satchel! Leave town! Two jobs! Change the World! Theatre, theatre, theatre! Car breaks down, on the way to rehearsal! Lame! Pizza! Karaoke! Smile in my eyes and my tongue and my feet! Love, love, love. 

I currently have a mustache.

Here I am, Old and young. Thanks Em, and Jessy.

And I love this movie. You won't believe how beautiful the food looks. Big Night. It's an important something for me. Meeeeeeee!! But seriously, if you love beauty, and you love life. watch this movie someday.

And for grins, if you are in dallas anytime between february to april, there is an okay chance that you could see me on the stage! again, the stage! 

Kiss or Make Up, Mesquite Community Theatre. Feb 12-27

SubUrbia, Upstart Productions. March 17-April 10

That's all for now?

Love you, mom. And everyone else, haha, big hug!!

Way to make yourself a crutch, 

ev'ry dollar's too much, 

ev'ryone you know

is out to lunch.

Ch-ch-ch-change your name.

Change ev'rything.

You'll have nothing to be,

you'll have nothing to scream,

but you'll be clean.

-Soldier

Indeeds. Life.

Moved into a new place in Dallas. That's wild. Excited to work. Believe in oneself.

That's the truth. Remember all you artists, writers, retailers, mothers, fathers, children, lovers, loved ones. Believe in yourself. People, for the bulk of our time on earth, may seem ambivalent to you. You must remember that you are wonderful, and you can do anything you want. I think. (smiles)

Mom rockin' the squeeze box.

Sold at Cash for Cash 2009.

Also sold at Cash for Cash 2009.

Kelly Garrett Rathbone. Life-poet. She makes great work. READ ABOUT HER!?

It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple blow gun.

take over that world, y'all. take it over. 

watch this. thank you adria.

miss you all. Bad at telling you all. 

Recent me

The family at the theatre. Atlanta in January, to see "Going With Jenny" by Thomas and Sherry Ward. 

On the road with the Wards. We encountered mighty beasts. This one is Christopher.

Boss lady. She's my waco mama.

Herbie just recently got into a three year Acting MFA program with a healthy stipend and paid tuition. Couldn't be prouder. 

Mom teaching me a thing or two on my friend John's guitar

I enjoy a good sandwich. 

Hanging out at the Paste offices in Decatur. Man on the left is Jesse Harris. He was on tour with Josh Radin at the time, and he's a really genuine guy. Take a listen.

Los Hombres.

Nashville, Sledge, Flex, Cricket, and Boomer. Actors? Marines? They were featured in Iphigenia 2.0, a play that we finished a month ago. I designed costumes.

In Atlanta, about to see Waltz with Bashir. Very pensive.

The best only breathe

I take you in. 

Through  a nostril, through a tear duct.

Through my throat - I laugh in gusts.

This is all nonsense. I feel all nonsense. I cry to be productive and I think that I it isn't true. I think that I should just exist more. I think that I should just try to breathe more. I think that I get so impatient that I forget about what I am trying to do here. Which is to love to love to love to love. 

stories:::::::

I am under a table. sneaking glances at the party going. I will find a way. I will figure it out. 

I had a wonderful moment today!! I went to a costume fitting for a play that I will be in soon, and I met someone that I will be sharing a lot of stage with. He seemed so wonderful, but I fear he is a bit wary of me. And he should! Anyways, he also seems a few years my senior and very serious. Not overly serious, but he definitely gets the job done on time. I just want to learn and share. Does that seem like too much to say in the first talk? Probably not. blah blah blah move on....

Feeling much better. Weeks of Bronchial something or other slowly wearing off. 

night. I am falling asleep. dream dream dream dream dream. I cry for all of these dreams to come true. gosh. I am all it up inside. like a bride. come to me world. 

HAUL IN THE WRECKAGE!

Dept. of the Quartermaster,

Her royal highnesses boatsmen,

Upon a day of drearye light,

a unseen wreck was took last night.

Been clearing wreckage for one whole day, 

with boats passing back in forth

in somewhat orderly rhythm

with gathr'd supplies back to shore.

Found one cannon, still afloat

wrapped in sail to the hull of the boat,

found eight paddles, all unmanned,

one hammer, one vice, one plier with span.

Found strongbox of coin, one of notes,

nine table cloths used as ropes.

Cleared twenty bodies, 

all dead and gone,

Found many bits of unusable wood,

fuel is all it can stand for.

Found twelve lengths of solid board,

set to dry and press on shore.

Found again the flag of the queen,

found the flags also of numerous lands.

Mostly known: Damlah, Rengish, Spletting, Trey,

Kukulag, Sporan, Yulta, and Jagrat.

Then more flags, much unknown: 

one, a black field with dots like a leopard,

one, a green stripe over a checkered array,

many a solid purple with golden stars,

even one with the silhouette of a gun.

Where they were going was logged only as 

distant trading routes.

Many have charted this course

and not returned reporting these lands or flags.

To note: One board bore an inscription, 

a paper attached with a knife-

'Men, all dying, want a report,

to set the course back to our travels.

Pass the trade ports with a wide arc and 

pick up the wind from the south. 

Lands never seen before. Mapmakers wrong. 

Treasure unmeasurable. People tall and dark.

Do not offer them your hand for a greeting.

Water flows up from the sea, up the mountains,

 up into the clouds. Magic never witnessed before.

We promised them that we would bring them 

more of our trade. Fabric. Meats. Metals.

We are explorers all. Sailors and kings.

We have ruled more than we ever knew 

we could. Killt by a hateful storm. 

Don't remember us, avenge us. 

Find the captain's log. It will explain all.'

Captain's Log not found. Requesting eighty ships 

to return to wreck site to search the water, shore 

and deep. Requesting 100 iron bells to sink 

divers to the sea bed. Requesting new sails to maneuver.

Highest regards.

- dept. of the Quartermaster.

Not. Complacent.

I realize that I left the previous post sitting undefended and without response for quite some time, and it looked depressing. 

So forget it.

More and Better later.

ciao