Indeeds. Life.

Moved into a new place in Dallas. That's wild. Excited to work. Believe in oneself.

That's the truth. Remember all you artists, writers, retailers, mothers, fathers, children, lovers, loved ones. Believe in yourself. People, for the bulk of our time on earth, may seem ambivalent to you. You must remember that you are wonderful, and you can do anything you want. I think. (smiles)

Mom rockin' the squeeze box.

Sold at Cash for Cash 2009.

Also sold at Cash for Cash 2009.

Kelly Garrett Rathbone. Life-poet. She makes great work. READ ABOUT HER!?

It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple blow gun.

take over that world, y'all. take it over. 

watch this. thank you adria.

miss you all. Bad at telling you all. 

Recent me

The family at the theatre. Atlanta in January, to see "Going With Jenny" by Thomas and Sherry Ward. 

On the road with the Wards. We encountered mighty beasts. This one is Christopher.

Boss lady. She's my waco mama.

Herbie just recently got into a three year Acting MFA program with a healthy stipend and paid tuition. Couldn't be prouder. 

Mom teaching me a thing or two on my friend John's guitar

I enjoy a good sandwich. 

Hanging out at the Paste offices in Decatur. Man on the left is Jesse Harris. He was on tour with Josh Radin at the time, and he's a really genuine guy. Take a listen.

Los Hombres.

Nashville, Sledge, Flex, Cricket, and Boomer. Actors? Marines? They were featured in Iphigenia 2.0, a play that we finished a month ago. I designed costumes.

In Atlanta, about to see Waltz with Bashir. Very pensive.

The best only breathe

I take you in. 

Through  a nostril, through a tear duct.

Through my throat - I laugh in gusts.

This is all nonsense. I feel all nonsense. I cry to be productive and I think that I it isn't true. I think that I should just exist more. I think that I should just try to breathe more. I think that I get so impatient that I forget about what I am trying to do here. Which is to love to love to love to love. 

stories:::::::

I am under a table. sneaking glances at the party going. I will find a way. I will figure it out. 

I had a wonderful moment today!! I went to a costume fitting for a play that I will be in soon, and I met someone that I will be sharing a lot of stage with. He seemed so wonderful, but I fear he is a bit wary of me. And he should! Anyways, he also seems a few years my senior and very serious. Not overly serious, but he definitely gets the job done on time. I just want to learn and share. Does that seem like too much to say in the first talk? Probably not. blah blah blah move on....

Feeling much better. Weeks of Bronchial something or other slowly wearing off. 

night. I am falling asleep. dream dream dream dream dream. I cry for all of these dreams to come true. gosh. I am all it up inside. like a bride. come to me world. 

HAUL IN THE WRECKAGE!

Dept. of the Quartermaster,

Her royal highnesses boatsmen,

Upon a day of drearye light,

a unseen wreck was took last night.

Been clearing wreckage for one whole day, 

with boats passing back in forth

in somewhat orderly rhythm

with gathr'd supplies back to shore.

Found one cannon, still afloat

wrapped in sail to the hull of the boat,

found eight paddles, all unmanned,

one hammer, one vice, one plier with span.

Found strongbox of coin, one of notes,

nine table cloths used as ropes.

Cleared twenty bodies, 

all dead and gone,

Found many bits of unusable wood,

fuel is all it can stand for.

Found twelve lengths of solid board,

set to dry and press on shore.

Found again the flag of the queen,

found the flags also of numerous lands.

Mostly known: Damlah, Rengish, Spletting, Trey,

Kukulag, Sporan, Yulta, and Jagrat.

Then more flags, much unknown: 

one, a black field with dots like a leopard,

one, a green stripe over a checkered array,

many a solid purple with golden stars,

even one with the silhouette of a gun.

Where they were going was logged only as 

distant trading routes.

Many have charted this course

and not returned reporting these lands or flags.

To note: One board bore an inscription, 

a paper attached with a knife-

'Men, all dying, want a report,

to set the course back to our travels.

Pass the trade ports with a wide arc and 

pick up the wind from the south. 

Lands never seen before. Mapmakers wrong. 

Treasure unmeasurable. People tall and dark.

Do not offer them your hand for a greeting.

Water flows up from the sea, up the mountains,

 up into the clouds. Magic never witnessed before.

We promised them that we would bring them 

more of our trade. Fabric. Meats. Metals.

We are explorers all. Sailors and kings.

We have ruled more than we ever knew 

we could. Killt by a hateful storm. 

Don't remember us, avenge us. 

Find the captain's log. It will explain all.'

Captain's Log not found. Requesting eighty ships 

to return to wreck site to search the water, shore 

and deep. Requesting 100 iron bells to sink 

divers to the sea bed. Requesting new sails to maneuver.

Highest regards.

- dept. of the Quartermaster.

Not. Complacent.

I realize that I left the previous post sitting undefended and without response for quite some time, and it looked depressing. 

So forget it.

More and Better later.

ciao

complacent once again

I am almost gone, and I have a categorized list of dreams.

this. here.

that. there. 

conquer the world.

play.

There is really no reason to doubt any place at this point. I need to go. I need to try. It is the what that I struggle with. What do I try? I honestly do want greatness. all of those expected artistic trophies. legacies. memories. precedents. I want those. 

oh, whatever. but seriously, that is what I want. 

dumb. I feel dumb when I realize what potential this life holds and I don't chase it immediately. It's just dumb. 

soon, I shall be sprinting, my path melting into the sound of my pounding patter on the corridors of next year.

next year. my first chance to do exactly what I dream of. vrroom vrroom.

ciao.

being

A kite at night

is a solitary light.

It plays amongst the stars.

mmmmmm

I can't write in the morning.
It's fairly painful. I am confronted by so much
noise and motion, that I just seem to make lists.
talk.
talk.
shock.
shalk.

I want to move somewhere far away. And I don't really know why. I really have lovely people here, and I would love to discover more about them. I want to know the world, but I am afraid that it is simply a pursuit that will end in rejecting it.

Wanderlust: "an ache for the distance"

I'm not sure how to say it, but I feel like there is not only a distance between me and countries, which I do want to explore, but there is also a distance between myself and people, which I crave and shy from in a strange sinusoidal behavior. Island. New york. Antartica. Austin. Blue Ridge. LA.

GoodWill said to live life to the fullest, and that is what I agree with. Completely. I think that whatever I do, it will be my way, or I won't believe in it/myself/happiness. That is comforting, I suppose, that I will tend towards living for my dreams, and what is my fear? Still searching for that. Perhaps I should just live like a fearless lion-man and my fear will show up later.

MOTTO? I am gonna live this day as sexy and dangerous as I can without getting a disease or dying foolishly.

do. do. do. do. do. I am gonna ride my bike today. I am gonna fly a kite. I am gonna eat soup. do. do. do. do. do. I am gonna speak the truth today. I am gonna shake hands today. I am gonna stop thinking and email petr matacek. and jana svoboda. and that hat maker in new york. do it, you mother. I am gonna sing, and play music, and purge my soul with sound. yes. yes. yes. yes.

gone.

ciao.



'I sat before a moving painting,
And thought about my love.
I saw many a sculpted angel,
in the sky above.'

explanation

I can't say everything, frankly,

because I am f***ing afraid.

to whom it may concern,

you are trouble. Lots.

and I want you.

that's all,

ciao.

!

sway

sway.

sway.

sway.
like some crazy beat.

you hear it through walls at a motel late night during a road trip.

you hear it through the walls at your dentist in the strip mall.

you hear it through your feet punctured and pulsing.

you hear it through a fist in the back of your heart.

you hear it through the earphones of the spicy latina at your right on the plane.

you hear it through the hallways of the abandoned school, someone is learning about the strangeness of life.

eat.

eat.

eat.

eat.

I always forgot to sit down and shove my abilities. 

My throat swells with foul, foul, foul.

I figure that there is something wrong with me. 

big surpise! Stop the presses, boy has revelation!

'But ma, I'm a lone wolf! I gotta hunt, and hide! 

Dig and run! sniff and howl! Ma, I'm a lone wolf! Haaaoooooooooooo!!'

If I'm hated, people are still thinking of me, righhh...??

I started out with servitude in mind. Be that man with the helping hand.

Demand nothing in return, accept little.

I wanted that. I needed that. I lived that. I think.

But when it comes to love, love, love, I ain't gonna hear it from nobody.

She better not love me.

If she don't love me. She won't hurt when I leave. 

I'll just roll on.

cowboy.

thief.

nobody.

But home is where the heart is.

I'm bleeding, 

stammering,

barely moving forward,

looking for the home that I

moved 

out of reach from. ended that one badly. moving on.

point A: boy with brown hair.

point B: victim's home

note the delineation of staining between the two points. looks like there was a struggle.

box it up. tape it up. fold fold. thump, stretch, tear.

lay it down. 

bury.

bury.

bury.

berry.

barry.

bare-E.

Keep it going small fry.

If she love me, 

I gotta love real.

Love real.

Love forever.

One.

(change of pace, p.s.)

Obviously, that is what I want. One soul. To love. forever. Or as long as I am allowed. And then I will love in vain, most likely. Will I allow it myself? shit.

I care. I care. I care. I care. hmm.

Good intentions. Good intentions. Good intentions. Good intentions. wha------

crash. crack. bang! springs. coils. smoke. dust. curses. scrapes. 

"shoot, he's some kinda bad boy. Didn't used to be. My, oh my. (gee thanks, agnes)"

To the fearful leader:

You don't have to be so worried. Say what you feel. No one is gonna get mad. Expect the best. I know I haven't done what you wanted, so please say that. Or not. But let's work, and experiment. I believe in you, and I want you to believe in me. I am a little boat.

I am off to sleep. I really love this chance. this struggle. this, and this, and this. Someone take me sailing. I'm'a'g'may'money. 

Sweet dreams, my lovely ones. I hope that there is someone to coo softly on your pillow. Wake up to fresh air and a fistful of resolve. Today is the first chance in your immediate future to do what needs to be done, what has been dreamed of, and what your love will grow from. cherish.

ciao.

The Music Issue

Last night at the compound in austin. The lovely men of Picardy III.

AGAIN AGAIN! Listen to the wonderful Judas Feet.

Circlebirds. I saw them outside after their set had finished. Sad times. They were really sweet people, and Matt (pictured) had the most intense/wonderful, winter beard. Much larger than on his myspace.

Really wonderful set from Goodfellow. I really wish there had been thrice as many people at least to hear their set. They deserve Glastonbury-type crowds. Like, monster.

I fell for a girl again. Duh. 

I had bad wine in an awesome bottle. hooray.

I listened to my dears rend their hearts to people at a middle school dance.

Literally, I was listening to this while hearing/watching people talk about what the best 'cheap' beer was: "She was always Paris, and I was always Rome/ She was always caring, and I was never home."

That happened. Thank you lord for strange moments.

ciao

She's not like the other proctologists...

waiting around. we were at the King Tutankhamen exhibit in Atlanta.

respect my boundaries, justin. I would appreciate it.

coming home from work. this was peachtree center station around 6.

the careful search. This was a blissful night for me. I was a cowboy. I felt alive, living in my home town.

the 'co in the early evenin.

My birthday was this past weekend. To mark the very minute, we had a wonderful plate dance and littered/battered our kitchen floor. It was glorious.

"She has a vein in her forehead. Full of sorrow. It beats and groans as it attempts to free her soul. alma. Her heart sends up all the blood, trying to escape out the top of her head. straight shot to the sky. Let her go, please. Let her cry, let her stand, let her be silent, let her be still. You can't soothe her; you have moved on. 

I'm sorry, but she can't receive that love right now. It doesn't work that way. no puedes ayudar. 

I know this because I want to hold her too. I want to calm her. I want to call out the tears to feed my aches. I want to scream with her at the corners where you kissed. but that too, no, no it is not for me. "

I am buying combat boots for people tomorrow. I am going to meetings, finishing my work, and eating things that are good for me. my left knee is whining over something. I think it will hush if I sleep. so on to that.

Sweet dreams, all who need them. I think it is nice to be reminded, even if only in sleep, that there is a dreaming stone in our heads that yearns and will not rest.

I will not rest. Prague. Paris. Portland. Austin. Atlanta. Anywhere.

That will be me over head. My wings determined. determined. Thank you, my lover of lives before. I will find you. King me. King me. King me. I will find my way to that sweet nest. I will fix it up with guided hands and I will sing to the forest, and they will live on, knowing the song reached those captive trees and wind-ears. I will be that orpheus. I will rend that tree and find my earth/water girl, but she will not be taken away. Little promises. yes.

ciao.

This was near the top floor of a warehouse downtown. Very wonderful light - I really never wanted to leave. Alas. It was bitter cold outside, and I loved the dusty mountains of leftover furniture and case files. The dust was like chalk. years and years without visitors. I figured that I could live in and construct a stately stove out of the stray iron pipes that lay about.  

A nice winter mist descended on the parking lot of my apartment, and with the help of adria, this appeared.

And then with holden, I was fixed in cosmic-yoga bliss. I reached nirvana that week. Nothing to write home about, but I got a great swag bag.

I have been in the throws of designer passion on the latest show this season. I am working on Iphigenia 2.o from Charles Mee. I feel stupid being baffled and excited about shows. I feel sometimes that my art should always be effortless and nonchalant, but I also want a supreme excitement about it all. I live two lives. Or have started the process of doing so. 

But I suppose that's where I end up with all of my endeavors these days. Terribly excited and dreaming. just dying for fresh eyes and voices. like foxes. their ears prick at the alien shudders of a mysterious animal in the fields. in the fields. Snapshot: me, one year from now, in a field, brushing debris away from a game of othello and a portrait of you. bewitching. I am eating fresh fruit these days, and I have a great sunshade made of patience. It silently pleads for the elements to be kind on me. But I get what I deserve. I have a furrow of smile lines that reach from my jowl to the tip top of my forehead. I will be wearing a slightly worn double breasted number that, when I sit, brushes the ground. I am all about cravats and I use three at a time. one for my collar. one for my brow. the final snatch of cloth is wrapped round my left hand where I sustained a tragic wound from a lover/sword fighter. Left for dead, I was found by an ornery russian seamstress. She dressed my wounds with herbs, battery acid and eyeliner. She was a surprise.

she always is.